Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Oh, how I hate goodbyes...

I am now sitting here waiting at the gate. I have about an hour before my flight boards. I just said goodbye to my family and I cried the entire way through the checkpoint and all the way down to my gate. There are certain fears that are wanting to completely wash over me and distract me from why I'm here in the first place. If I let them, they will leave me completely debilitated, questioning my resolve for this path and tempting me to get out while I still can.

And then a voice inside me says "Sure, you can decide not to go if you want. You can bow out and go home. There are people there who will understand, who will support you, who will even be glad that you decided not to go.........but what really is waiting for you back home? What job is there for you there? What does your life look like if you don't go? Where would you go from here?" And suddenly, my tears stop and I remember why I decided to do this. It still hurts, but the fear has been somewhat subdued, at least for now.

It just sucks saying goodbye.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Am I ready?

I have three more days left. Actually, it's at the very tail end of this day, so really I only have two days left. I am not yet packed. I still have a very long list of things to do, and I also have a very long list of people to spend time with.

Currently, the entire back end of the house has been overrun by my belongings. Packing is a messy ordeal. First, you must spread everything out and organize it into piles. It's hard to really get an immediate grasp on what 100 lbs. of luggage is like, so you have to organize everything into different piles: Absolutely cannot live without and therefore must go into my carry-on, Heavy and therefore would really really like to fit in my carry-on if at all possible, Need but I can survive if it's lost, Don't really need but really want to bring so will find room for it if possible, and Why did I even think I would want or even COULD pack this?

Then, things get packed until you reach a point where you can't really pack any more because you need those things during the next few days, and you can't pack everything else, because you don't want those things in your carry-on.... So right now, I'm at the point where I can finally start to finish my packing. Currently, it appears as though both of my rooms have exploded and bled into the hallways and computer room.



In other words, people are constantly asking me if I'm ready. This, to me, seems to be a loaded question. Am I ready, as in, am I packed? Or am I ready, as in am I mentally and emotionally prepared to move away from my friends and family for two years into a world of complete unknown: unknown people, unknown language, unknown job... I suppose the easy answer is "HELL NO!" How one exactly goes about "preparing" to leave home and live overseas completely alone for two years, I am not sure. And I mean, physically, mentally, and emotionally. How does one prepare for this? How does one pack for this? Maybe once I get there I'll realize either that I wasn't prepared, which will come as no surprise, or I'll be surprised to discover that I have been prepared all along... I suppose we shall see.